Dear internet people of the present and the future,
I have been dragging my ill physical self to work for more than a week now. I have not had the chance to take a sick leave because of the many things we had to accomplish. But as mere mortals, our bodies are destined to just betray us at one point despite our efforts — mine did. I had to claim two sick leaves and had to go back to work today even if I have not completely recovered.
Today’s classroom scenario with my grade 3 boys:
Student 1: Hi! Are you feeling better now?
Me: Well. . . yes, but I’m still not completely okay.
Student 2: Then, why are you here?
Me: Because you have a test today and I’m worried for you guys.
Student 3: What? You shouldn’t be worried! We’re ready for the test.
Me: Okay! Cool. Is everyone ready for the test?
Me: Well, let’s start then! Bring out the materials you need for the test.
Half of the class: . . .
Half of my heart: . . .
Half the class: It’s not with me. It’s in my locker. What materials?
Me: This. is. why. I’m. worried.
Student 3: . . .
But I surely missed them — my sweet little boys.
I am against bullying.
No matter what you tell me, you will never convince me otherwise.
It is indeed condescending to believe that we have, in time and through hardships, grown into a tougher and stronger version of ourselves. But have we really? Have I really?
Everyday I pick myself up from the mess of sheets and other things that do not belong on the bed and wish that Time would just eat me up. I count how many of my wounds have healed and how many new ones I got just from getting up.
I take a bath and stare into space right after. I know I will be late if I do not move faster and I will myself to do so… only because I don’t want to be in deeper trouble.
All my life, I have looked forward to this future. There was nothing in my past that could hold me back from moving forward. I had a horrible time growing-up and wished nothing but to move time faster.
And now, now that I am when I wanted to be, I find that I have lost myself. I feel like I have failed my younger self who wanted only escape. I want to go back and hug her and tell her that we are doomed.
Everyday I go back home. My feet trudging and sweeping dust inside. I say my thanks to all the Heavens who helped me get through another day of hell. I add more things that do not belong on the bed. I try to have decent conversation with people who matter to me but they blur out from my vision. I see myself drifting further from everyone and everything.
I count my scars and the raw wounds I have procured for the day. I do not even hide them anymore.
Is it Monday still? It does not matter anymore. Monday has the face of Tuesday. It has morphed into the face of Everyday.
When will everyday end?
What are we really teaching the kids?
I need answers to this question.
Sky blue is me missing you. I miss you loads. I do not want bother you guys through my petty requests like keeping me safe and helping me teach my students well but I always do. I always do. I sometimes feel like you guys are the only ones who can help me. I love you both. I am forever grateful. The sky is always above me.
Royal blue is the glitter on your palms. The kindness pulsating in your veins. The generosity of your heart. Gratitude flowing endlessly.
Midnight blue is when time stands still. When the world is dead and the wind is free. This is how I will keep you in my heart. This is how I will remember you.
Powder blue is what I lost and what I might never find. Bubbles dance and die incessantly.
(forgive me. I will wrote better than this.)
Some of the things I learned from the previous workplace:
- Age does not equate to efficiency. This rings true for years of experience as well. Just because someone is older than you, does not mean he or she is more capable.
- Loyalty is not everything. I once thought that loyalty is one of the most important things in life. I guess life should not be viewed in black or white. There are shades of grey in between. I have to keep that in mind.
- I should stop burning bridges. Life is short. Explore bridges and keep the important ones open. The ones that are not too important, we should not set on fire. Let them wither on their own. Who knows, maybe wild flowers would grow on them.
- Love yourself as much as you love others.
- Seek for justice no matter what but keep in mind that words of Mufasa. “Being brave doesn’t mean you go looking for trouble.”
- Let yourself be heard even if your voice shakes.
- Fall in love with the sun when you enter the workplace but greet the moon at home.